Hi, I'm Scaletta Trager (*waves at camera*), a recycled anthopomorphic wolf character from an old ass story that once haunted the Spinpasta Wiki, called "The Nicotine Crew".
Well, it's hard to explain what happened that made me move here, so, I'll let this do the talking:
After accidentally making a crater in Os Anjos and losing my pet, I moved to this new town called Dermo located in California.
After getting my trailer here and meeting the neighbors, I was ready to start my first day in this town.
First thing to do is get a TV. No american is an american without a LED TV on the wall to spend the entire day watching american football while drinking root beer.
I walked out of my trailer and headed torwards the north side of town, where apparently my very well drawn map of the town told me where the electronics store is.
Halfway through there, I saw some indian man selling hot dogs.
"Someone just buy a fucking hot dog!"
I was about to buy a hot dog but then I remembered that I don't exactly have money on me, so, I couldn't buy a hot dog and neither a LED TV.
That means my top priority now is to get money without killing anyone.
Luckily, as I had my furry hand on my chin and thought in front of the hot dog man who kept yelling at me to buy a hot dog, a newspaper hit my face. I saw an opportunity on it once I examined it.
Apparently, a local school had their mascot run over by a car and were going to give some money to anyone that would wear the mascot outfit for the rest of the day.
(*points finger to the air*) I knew exactly where to go.
"Okay, mister wolfman," the principal said, "your job is to wear that mascot outfit, walk around the school and help anyone who needs help until the end of the day. You'll be kicked, spat on, grappled onto by kids and possibly bullied by older college students but you have no permission to retaliate."
"Now put that thing on. And don't attempt to rape any children!"
"Sure thing, miss."
The school's mascot was some beaver thing called "Beavis". After wearing that stupid outfit, I was ready to walk around the school and help some kids like a true mascot pro.
I walked around the school and I eventually found some girl crying on the ground like some anime schoolgirl. You know, kneeling on the ground and such.
When I asked her what was wrong, some kids suddenly grabbed me and stuffed me inside the locker. Then they and the girl ran away laughing.
I could tell that would be an interesting day.
"Let's move in."
(*doors kicked open, gunshots*)
While I was stuck inside the closet, apparently some bullied kids or Columbine inspired maniacs decided it'd be cool to shoot up the school.
While I could hear screaming, shooting and explosions in the background, I kept trying to get out of that locker, "Wow, it's amazing how this locker is big enough to keep someone wearing a fat and gigantic mascot suit inside."
I managed to break out and I decided to put a stop to the massacre before the death count reached 13.
I had a scissors on my hands. Once I saw the perpe, pepe, peeerpetrai-Oh, whatever you call them, I threw the scissors at one of them. With my amazing scissors skills, I managed to hit one of them in the ear.
I dashed to the shooter while getting shot by the other one and managed to get his gun and use him as a human shield. The dumbass kept shooting at his friend even though I had him in front of me and blocking the bullets.
"Good job, wolfman, you stopped the shooting, but, will you be okay?"
"No problem, miss, my wounds will be gone soon because thank CoD almighty for regenerative health."
Regenerative health, now available in stores for 99$.
"Alright, then. But, sadly, since the school got shot up and you can't continue your mascot job, I can't pay you."
"You can keep the shooters's weapons, though."
I picked up the M-16 one of them carried and stored it in my ass, where all inventories are located.
I left the school with empty pockets but with a brand new weapon. Also, a true american also must have a gun, right?
As I walked around the town, I eventually saw a bulletin board next to the town hall. A local restaurant to the east side of town called "Jerkov's Lunches" was hiring people for waiter.
"Sounds simple enough." I said as I headed there.
When I got there, I was received by a flamboyant man who asked me if I was there for the job. I said yes and he jumped up and down happily and threw the waiter uniform at my face.
"This is gayer than it looks..." I said as I gave a lobster to a customer.
When I returned to the kitchen I heard some screaming outside as soon as the doors closed.
I peeked out to see that some angry vegans have stormed in and were shooting everyone that had meat on their plate.
I pulled that gun out of my butthole and retaliated.
"Go back to eating grass!" I yelled.
After an intense gunfight with vegans that was too intense for me to describe it here, the vegans left.
And then a russian man followed by other men holding onto his shoulders showed up, "Good job, my friend, but all the customers left during the fight or are dead, my friend. I can't pay you, my friend."
"Maybe I can loot the corpses."
"That's inhuman, my friend!"
"I'm not human." I said as I pulled out a dead bald man's wallet. I look to the russian man again to see him pointing a rocket launcher at me, "Oh gee, you have ass inventory too?"
"Drop that wallet, my friend!"
I left the restaurant without getting paid again.
As I was returning to the bulletin board, a man dressed in a wolf fursuit came at me. I was about to use my anti-rape-ninja skills on him since I believed he was going to try and yiff me, but he started talking to me.
"You! You're an actual furry!"
"The correct word is anthropomorphic wolf."
"We need you at this year's FurCon! You're gonna make us rich! I'll split the money, I swear!"
"Now you spoke my language."
"Come with me!" The man said and I followed him.
As I was heading there, I noticed this on an outdoor.
So now you know.
I eventually got in that FurCon thing. Ugh, it gave me the creeps.
"Okay, so the thing here, is to let anyone do whatever they want to do to you."
"By the end of the day you get paid a thousand dollars, okay, bye!" He ran away laughing like a maniac.
"Motherfucker!" Suddenly, I was cornered by yiff seeking furries, "Stand back! I know tai chi chuan!"
And suddenly again, as the wolf maniac ran to the exit, the doors were blew up, sending his burning corpse flying across the thing.
And then, some people wearing PETA shirts walked in.
"For Anubis! We're taking this place down! Prepare to die, zoophilliacs!"
And then there was more shooting that I'd never thought I would see. PETA vs Furries.
I managed to sneak away from the fight and ran away as fast as I could from that freakshow.
I ran back to the bulletin board and examined the jobs-
I woke up wearing nothing but underwear.
It appears a furry followed me and decided it'd be a good idea to knock me out and then bring me to some secret strip club just for anthros like me.
I had my hands and feet tied and I could see some poor cheetah getting yiffed next to me. I think I was skipped thanks to the M-16, which I think I accidentally sticked in too far and it got stuck.
After some time, we were all released and some were forced to pole dance for everyone or lapdance.
I sincerely wasn't going to do either. But I had to find a way to pull that M-16 out...I had an idea.
Don't do this at home, children, do it in your friend's home instead.
I sat on the ground and forced the M-16 through me and the barrel eventually came out through my mouth. I pulled the barrel out along with the whole gun and I was able to shoot my way out of that disgusting place, taking all the anthros with me.
I took the anthros home and gave them new clothes while I just put my cargo pants back on instead, along with boots.
Still not wearing shirts, because fuck shirts.
As I walked out of my room and I was about to go outside, I noticed a box next to my couch.
A LED TV box.
Apparently I had a LED TV and I just forgot I had a LED TV.
I actually bought this before coming here and I forgot to open the box.
Excited, I opened the box and ordered some people to come and install it.
It had a cracked screen, but fuck it. I was now a true american.
Now I just had to buy the root beer.
I'll leave it for tomorrow.